Miscarriage 4 years on

Miscarriage 4 years on

The sun is streaming through the windows, just as it was then. But then I was lying on a hospital bed and it felt the world had ended. It hadn’t, it had just changed, changed forever, for me and the dreams I had. Miscarriage 4 years on – I can talk and write about it without bursting into tears, most of the time. Time moves on, but the sense of loss remains.

Little things are said or written, not meant to hurt, but they touch a nerve, a nerve that’s still more tender than I thought. An email received asking for my thought on being a family of four and coping with the change that a new addition makes. How I’d love to be able to help with that one. Sadly, I will never know first hand. A fleeting remark amongst friends about us all having two children, I don’t, I won’t, I have one.

What I would give for him to be a big brother, a protector of a little sister, a companion for a little brother. Miscarriage 4 years on, and Monkey lost that chance, he will forever be an only child. He will never be an Uncle to his own sibling’s children. When the time comes, he will have to face the world without his parents, with no-one there to know exactly how he feels.

Miscarriage 4 years on and I still feel guilty that Monkey doesn’t have to share his toys, doesn’t have to learn to share my time. He is a wonderfully imaginative little boy, and I know he is happy and he has no idea of what he could have had. I’m seeing it from the prospective of a sister. I do have a younger brother. We fought like cat and dog, we don’t live in each others pockets but we have a bond. When the chips are well and truly down we are there for each other. Sadly we’ve had to put this to the test a couple of times, but it’s unshaken, the call is made and we are there. Monkey will never have that. It makes me sad.

We’ve got a wonderful friendship with Iona from Redpeffer and her family. It’s a friendship that we’ve all gained from (well I hope so, anyway). Monkey gets to spend good, quality time with children that he knows well. He gets to be part of something he’s never really experienced. He gets to belong. Of course, it’s a bit of a learning curve for him, he still has to learn more about sharing; both his possessions and his time and space. But I can see the good it’s doing him.

Miscarriage 4 years on, I don’t think the hurt or guilt will ever go away. Wishing I’d been younger, wishing I’d had more time. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am so lucky to have one child, a wonderful, happy, healthy son. My heart truly goes out to those who would desperately love to have what I do, and can’t, for whatever reason. But today I wish I was taking a youngest child to pre-school, watching them having fun, wondering if they’d be a Frozen fanatic or another Digger boy. What colour hair would they have, what would make them laugh, what would their favourite story be.

So forgive me today if I’m a little indulgent. The sun is shining but in a little bit of Oxfordshire there are a few dark clouds. They will pass, they always do.

Miscarriage 4 years on

18 thoughts on “Miscarriage 4 years on

  1. I wish I could pop over and give you a hug, sometimes words don’t feel enough. And our friendships-both family and between us-has most definitely brought us all something to treasure xx

  2. Oh lovely, you’ve just had tears in my eyes reading this. An amazing post, that I wish you didn’t have reason to write. You do not need to feel guilt in any way shape or form, there have been miscarriages for a close member of my family and I saw what she went through, so my heart really goes out to you. You seem like an amazing Mum, be proud of that, and your son may not have a sibling, but he’s very lucky to have you.

    Stevie x

  3. A wonderful post, and sad to hear it.

    While I’ve not had a miscarriage, being an older sister, and having the one son I know how you feel on them missing out what you would have loved or assumed they’d have. I know that more since my mum died (having lost our dad when we were younger than N), and I wonder what I’d have done without my brother. Like you we fought a lot as children although always said to my mum that we liked each other really.

    I thought we’d have 2 (once I’d decided that I was ready to have children at all), but there’s so many reasons why we shouldn’t and only a few why we should. He’s very lucky that he’s got all his cousins nearby (at the moment until they all grow up and scatter – if they do).

    I know my brother (despite having me) felt very lost after our mum died. He does have a girlfriend at the mo, but unlikely to be one for life. However, he has extremely good friends, and their families who take him under their wing and into their families, so even as an only child without family near, good friendships can provide the deep bonds that can replace sibling bonds.

  4. Oh Mary, so sad but so pleased you have Monkey, he would have been an amazing big brother if it had happened. You are doing so well with him and give him fantastic opportunities, he is such a lucky boy. Thinking of you for the one you lost and longed for. xxx

  5. They say time is a great healer don’t they, but feelings still nest in the corner of our hearts and minds. Monkey would have been a great big brother, and you can take comfort in that. x

  6. What a beautiful and moving post and I’m so sorry to read this. I have nothing to share, being neither an only child, having an only child myself and have never had a miscarriage, but I wanted you to know I’m thinking of you. I hope you find some reassurance in what others have said. I thought Emma’s comment made a lot of sense. X

  7. A very honest post. I don’t think you ever get over the loss of miscarriage, but in time you learn to live alongside it. Whilst I’m sure Monkey would have made a fantastic older brother, he will find ways to compensate as he grows older.

  8. A beautifully written post Mary and such an important thing to write about. I know so many people who have suffered miscarriage. I am so sorry you will never get to see Monkey as a big brother but it definitely sounds like he has the next best thing with some great friends.

    Sending love xx

  9. Such an honest post & one I can relate to.
    I also have one child & had no success with giving her a brother or sister. I feel all the things you’ve written about. Most days I’m fine, other days I feel so incomplete, like a part of the jigsaw is missing.
    Take heart in knowing that your little boy is much-loved & has the potential to have a wonderful life…with or without siblings xx

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